Bad News: The FTC Bans Raymond Duke From Writing Copy (His Conversions Were Just TOO Damn Good!)

Ugh.

Today's one of the worst days in my life. I cannot recall a time when I've been so down. The closest sad memory I have was back in 3rd grade when Arlene threw my Valentine's Day card in the trash.

Oh, FTC, why have you slapped me so hard? Was I really such a threat to you? Did Arlene tell you to reject me?

Here's the email they sent me this morning.

Dear Mr. Duke,

This letter is to inform you that your persistent actions including but not limited to writing high-converting copy for clients, making people pull out their wallet to buy solutions that help them better their lives, and making the world a better place by helping people improve their copywriting skills have become too beneficial for society. As of today, April 1, you are ordered to stop copywriting immediately as it is being done in violation of our manipulation of the economy.

You have the right to continue copywriting, but doing so means we’ll take you to court and make you waste your money. We’ll also send law officers to harrass you and your family at all hours of the night, so don’t mess with us. Chump. And if you think you can get a decent cellphone connection, think again. We’ve partnered with Verizon to make their poor coverage even worst (mwahaha).

Anyway, you must immediately stop copywriting and and send us written confirmation that you will stop such activities. You risk incurring some very severe legal consequences and we’ll make fun of you on our Facebook page if you fail to comply with this demand.

This email acts as your final warning to discontinue this unwanted conduct before we pursue legal actions against you. At this time, we am not contacting the authorities or filing civil suit against you, as I hope we can make you comply without us using authoritative involvement.

To ensure compliance with this letter, and to halt any legal action I may take against you, we require you to tattoo your compliance on your chest and post a photo of it on social media. This is our new way of getting people to agree with us. Failure to do so will act as evidence of your infringement upon my legal rights, and we will immediately seek legal avenues to remedy the situation.

Sincerely,
Your New Daddy
— Federal Trade Commission (FTC)

Wow. 

Rude, right?

I bet you're wondering if I'm going to comply with the FTC. My professional answer is...

"Hell naw, dawg."

They can try to keep me down, but this corgi still has bite. Besides, what would my clients say if I were to stop helping them make more money? 

On the flipside and speaking of money, I'm going to need you to give me some money.

Defending myself against the FTC isn't cheap, you know. After all, they have the benefit of being able to print cash on demand with their fancy money-making printing machines. 

But I'm not worried, because I have the benefit of printing money too. Instead of using a printing press, I use a keyboard.

If you'd like me to "print" some cash for your business and thus share a percentage of said profits with me as reciprocation, go here to begin

Together we can fight this.

We can make America the greaterest country in the world, one conversation at a time. 

Simple present with me with a great product and I'll help more people than you thought possible realize it's worth paying for.

Sounds good to me, Raymond!

 

 

 

 

CopywritingRaymond Duke